P6 22 Apr 23

 5 April : Met up with Mary, BH and Suet. Felt a distance away from them. Not keen to join them for the art exhibition that commemorate the death of Jesus Christ. And not keen to know the truth of the empty tomb, which is the basis of Christian faith. Knew Mary was very saddened by my response, at the same time, i do not want to hide any true feeling from her. I really don't feel the love of God towards me anymore. Instead of feeling grateful to her for showing me the way to God, i felt pressured to be conformed to the Christian faith because i want to get accepted by my contemporary. I had this judgement towards BH who is so keen to get her mum to accept Jesus Christ as her personal God and saviour. Is it for her mother's good or for her image in front of her peers, that her mother accepted Christ, she had done her part as a daughter? By getting her mum to accept Christ, is she showing more filial piety than not getting her mum to accept Christ?  

Christian faith had brought many christian brothers and sisters to me and i was embraced into a Big family. The Big family gave me love, care and support which supported the social needs of the human being. Christian faith gave me the pillar of support when in times of crisis, i have a God whom i can pray to. When my friends are in difficulties, we can pray together. This provided the support that a human being needs. To the atheist : It is the law of attraction in the Universe. It is so good to have blind faith. Like my Christian auntie who shared with us over the meal, we have nothing to lose. We can go to heaven just by believing in God.  Is that what i really want? I cannot bring myself to spread the gospel to mum, my most beloved. Because i don't believe in Jesus' resurrection as well. 

Meditation gave me calm and clarity, It gives a peek into my past, present and future. I am more subscribed to the notion of being grounded, being present, being disciplined in our mind, thoughts, words and action.  (jie, ding, hui). 

15 April : Visited MIL. She is getting frail and weak. Not sure how to comfort her. Come to realise that it is individual blessings to be able to eat well, sleep well and live well. Can sense the loneliness of old folks, not only MIL, mum, Linette's mum ore CHR mummy, Mei Zhen Jie. 

Is this the harsh fact of getting old? 

16 April : Celebrated mum's birthday with aunties and uncles. Happy to have a time with them. Grateful they made a point to be present with mum. Though mum's thought is always on going to the pool every day, sometimes it is good to break the monotony of daily pool. 

19 April : My work ends early. Arranged with di and ge to pay respect to dad. Shi gong passed away on 15 April. The ritual of paying respect to ancestors was brought forward to the weekdays. 19 April was also mum's birthday. Mei has reservation on paying respect to ancestors and Shi Gong on this day. She was upset when no-one was at home receiving the cake she ordered for mum. I was apologetic towards it. Grateful she showed her genuine self towards her sister. She has no intention to hide her frustration, just showed her true self, which is very good. 

22 April : Beginning to feel distant from Di. He is getting busier. Not sure if that is a good sign, definitely we have lesser time together and he is less prone to sharing things with me now.